Saturday, July 04, 2020
Nights are for tears to fall. When I quietly sit and think because 'think' is all I can do. In this life, there has not been even a single night to fall back on and reset to default version, so where and indeed to whom should I run to? Looking back, I do not remember childhood games nor fairy tales, neither the love in its truest, rarest form. What I do clearly, brightly, as if it were the present, do remember are the struggles of always, always, filling in shoes for others, fulfilling the expectations for the ones I love, and trying to survive in an alien world. I may have smiled a lot, but I do not remember even one single instance where I genuinely laughed my heart out in the spur of the moment to hold my stomach and roll on the floor.
Every person who has decided to enter my life has left me more troubled and strayed than before. A piece of me so clearly dies inside daily that I can feel my own presence diminishing into nothing, slowly and steadily, reaching the destination where it is meant to be. Every human here stands for themself, every person thinks of their own needs, their own beliefs, their own rights but none has ever thought of what I must feel. People ruin you for others and more so over for yourself. They leave me in the middle of the night to pen down my confessions to a paper and commit to nothing but excruciating grief.
Whenever I have revealed the truthful version of me to those around me, they get distant. They prefer what they have known, the regular, the normal, the oh so perfect people, and in their pursuit to find this normalcy, they leave me in a realm of mirrors to show me my own face. Every time I look into this, I find two strange, red, eyes staring back at me with a puzzled look, “who are you?” And indeed, who am I? After giving away myself to every person I have ever encountered weather in the form of soulmate, love, sibling, daughter, or family, I mold myself into the images which they have of me. In this conquest, I have forgotten to carve myself into the person that I want myself to be.
They say I have got away with words, a way which makes the pain look beautiful, well, how else do I describe it when it’s the only thing which I have known ever since I breathed my first. Like a shadow, it has remained true, never left my side, and that is what reflects through the red ink on dusty paper, a masterpiece of pain.
I do not trust anyone because life has taught me in its own twisted evil ways the perils of attaching hopes or dreams to someone else. Every damn time, I promise myself that no more, not now, not ever, I will be the rebellion to myself and my thoughts and yet, somehow, I wound back to where I had begun. Convincing others of your worth, begging them to let you be a part of their life, going to extremes just to be on their good side.
Well, now, yet again, I say no. With stingy eyes and puffy cheeks, with rains and thunders, I yet again kill another part of me. It is an assurance to know that one day, just maybe in this lifetime, I will finally have a new me, the one who doesn’t watch rains fall down like tears in eyes, but relaxes and enjoys the rainbows to follow. As I try to unlearn a lifestyle and let go of what is considered as the norm. I struggle to find a path I can call my own. For now, I know for a fact that when I sit alone on windows at night, with tears rolling down my eyes, the only person who can make me stop is me. Only I can be my own savior, my own knight in a shining armor, my friend, my companion, my partner, and literally my forever. Slowly as I am engulfed in the flames of these thoughts, the heart feels the burn, tears vaporize, and yet again, the lullaby of my pain puts me to sleep.
- July 04, 2020
Sunday, April 26, 2020
When the clock strikes midnight…
And darkness encompasses all in the sight…
The time comes to a standstill…
Your own thoughts now grill …
Every if, every but, every decision ever made…
To free the bird or let it remain in the cage…
The moments and memories, even now, they haunt…
Life, yet again, laughs with an evil taunt…
Only the travelers know the meaning of the journey…
The longingness of destination in this mysterious haze…
Yet again, the tears breach the line…
‘Stop! No!’ I say, but it is useless now to whine…
Questioning the stars and moon…
Were there ever chances of "happiness” soon?
Empty roads, dim streetlights, and silenced sky…
So much like this mislead heart of my…
Where to, what is next, what now…
The answer to which I know not…
Wish the coin tosses gave the hoped reaction…
Every step taken came with reversing solution…
The knots tighten around the throat and heart alike…
The pain stabs with a hundred sharp knives…
What do you think of yourself?
Who do you think you are?
Rights over me, commanding control and more…
Knowing every move and every spot sore…
Restraining the uncaptured…
Playing with the memories painted in red blood…
The muffled screams, claustrophobic breath…
The grief to which words do no justice…
The blade of the past penetrates down the throat…
Puncturing everything it touches, spirit and soul…
There is no way to merely "repair" what is already done…
I am not a toy or a watch to put under maintenance zone…
Sweaty palms and smiles missed…
Miles apart with unsettled destiny…
Caged laughter, dreams askew, and throbbing scars…
Agony breaks into the oblivion from the faith of ours…
How indeed and where to, do I run away from myself?
To escape the realities and anguish itself…
Wish I could hide from the obvious, fooling the ruining fate…
Kill all the feelings, press the reset switch, and give one lifetime a miss…
With every inhale I still feel the same smell…
Of the days passed and nights rotten as hell…
The vision of a distorted mind makes even the finest mirror break...
Each dusk to daylight, this story chooses to repeat itself...
The night, like a routine, dies a thousand deaths...
Only to arise, at dawn, as a smiling, bubbling, and cheerful mate...
Wednesday, April 08, 2020
“A Father’s pride, A Mother’s Joy”
On one of his routine days, Saharsh rang the doorbell to his abode and saw Sachi opening the door with a beaming smile, he asked, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing at all, I just want you to sit here and do as instructed," Sachi replied. The entire evening still felt like a dream to Saharsh, it was the evening when Sachi has announced her pregnancy.
With the arrival of little Yara, their family was indeed complete. Days turned into weeks quickly for the family, thereon. Yara started growing up and was picking up habits, behavior, accents, and tactics from all of them. She indeed resembled a little butterfly; swift, beautiful, playful, and agile.
Needless to say, she was a pampered kid but she never let that get in her way. At times, Sachi wondered from where Yara got her poised attitude. Yara would plainly refuse the chocolates which she and Saharsh craved for. As a toddler, Yara wouldn’t scream and yell like other kids. Instead, she would silently stare at her mother as tears rolled down her cheeks. As Yara got closer to her teens, she was neither interested in the video games, which Saharsh got for her birthday, nor in the artistic hobby kits which Sachi did. Yara would always ask for a football, tennis rackets, rollerblades, volleyball, and other things related to sports.
Yara was enrolled in dance class, chess lessons, and football practice, but finally decided to stick to her skates. The family would set aSaharshe time every morning to jog together in the garden of their building complex. Yara would skate aside her parents. They could not relate to other parents when they complained about their kids preferring to sleep as Yara was usually the first one awake in the morning and would persuade them to get out of the bed.
In her early teens, Yara not only excelled in academics but also progressed from her roller-skates to rollerblades. It was during one of her vacations in London when Yara got a chance to try ice-skating. Years of skates made it easier for her to catch up and glide across the ice. Yara felt she belonged to this place and refused to leave. Post this holiday, Saharsh and Sachi found Mr. Rahul, an experienced coach to train and nurture Yara’s ice-skating hobby. Every day after school, Yara would rush to her class to learn new moves, perform stunts, and tricks. She refused to be content with just these lessons and coaxed her coach to train her more vigorously for the next National Ice Skating Championship.
“Maa, Baba... There is something that I need to tell you both.” Yara said in a barely audible voice. “If you want to do that, you need to ensure that we can at least hear you, sweetheart. So, speak up!” Saharsh smiled at his daughter. “Iwannatakepartinthechampionship!” she muttered out quickly. Sachi giggled, “Whoa! Slow down there buddy... repeat, but slowly this time.”
“Maa, I want to take part in the National Ice Skating Championship, which is 4 months away. I know I am completely prepared for it! Coach also agrees this is good exposure for me.” Yara had butterflies in her stomach with every word she uttered. There was silence at the breakfast table. “Baba... Please!” Yara requested her father. She looked at her mother with puppy dog eyes, “Maa…”
However, before Sachi could reply, Saharsh gave a firm denial and left the table as Yara’s voice trailed behind him “But, Baba... It’s a national level competition! It will the best day of my life! I don’t care if I win or lose; I just want to take part in this championship!”
Yara turned to Sachi, “Maa... Please, Maa! I promise that I will study extra hard and not let you down.”
Yara was in her 10th year at school because of which her parents insisted that she appear her boards before anything else. They didn’t want to overburden Yara with her practical, viva, study sessions, homework, and moreover training sessions for the championship. Hence, the firm decision to deny participation.
“Aru, your father is correct. This year is very crucial for you. You have to pay attention to your studies. Education is important and you will not have enough time to accommodate everything you want, bacha. Understand our reasons and don’t act like a child.” Sachi tried to reason patiently with Yara.
“Dadi would have supported me had she been here.” Yara said disappointedly and left. “Saharsh tomorrow is the last day to enroll for National Championship. I feel we should give Yara this chance. What is the worst that could happen?” Sachi tried her best to convince her husband.
“She could fail her exams, Sachi!” Saharsh was concerned about his daughter.
“Yes, she could… but it’s not definite that she would indeed fail. Yara is a bright kid; she will catch up with her studies, even if she misses a few classes. I’ll help her plan everything. I’ll apply for leaves and stay back home to ensure she is well equipped for her board exams as well as the championship.”
“Sachi, do you really think it will be worth it, to jeopardize her studies for her skates? I have always supported her hobbies but I will have to put my foot down if it’s going to cost her a year of education. She can enter the championship next year if she wishes to, but not during such an important year of her life.”
“But, Saharsh… What is one year compared to our daughter’s happiness? Think about it.” Saying so, Sachi left behind the forms she had got from Yara’s coach. Saharsh was restless and could not sleep all night and left early the next day.
When Saharsh returned home, it was around noon but Yara was still cuddled with her books in her room. He knocked on the door and entered to persuade her to at least come out for lunch. Yara, however, didn’t budge. “Of course... She has to be stubborn, just like her mother,” thought Saharsh, “It’s a good thing that I know how to handle both of them.” he smiled. “Aru, here is an early birthday gift for you. Mind you... You won’t be getting anything for your birthday for the next hundred years!” saying so he kept a bright, red-colored sash with “National Ice Skating Championship – Participant” written across it.
“Baba!” Yara jumped up with excitement and hugged her father. “Thank you, thank you... Thank you!”
As promised, Sachi applied for leaves as per Yara’s schedule and fetched her from school to tuitions, from tuitions to training sessions, and back home. She did her best to make sure that Yara didn’t miss out on anything.
Post three months of vigorous routine, all three of them flew to Delhi to watch the most graceful skaters practiced on the rink. Yara couldn’t sleep that night and while tossing around in her bed, she found a note poking out from under her pillow, it read “Aru... Remember, you are here because you wanted to participate. Of course, you want to win; but irrespectively, enjoy this environment because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You are here because you are good and being good is enough for now. We both will always be there with you whatever the result. Besides, even if you don’t emerge amongst the winners, we know you’re still going to rock the rink, bacha! With love, luck, and loads of hugs, Baba and Maa!”
Their confidence in her helped her at least attempt to sleep well that night.
The next day, Saharsh and Sachi wished their daughter luck as she went ahead to get ready. The opening ceremony was grand as any other sports championship. Previous year winners performed with the utmost grace to mark the start of the tournament.
“I hope Aru performs well. I would hate to see her disappointed. Hope she at least bags a bronze medal or maybe even a consolation prize. Oh, god! I am nervous!” Saharsh tightened his grip on Sachi’s hand.
“Chill, Saharsh! I doubt that even Yara is as nervous as you are. Let me concentrate on all the performances!” Sachi reassured her husband.
When it was Yara’s turn to perform, she entered the huge and glistening rink and posed at the center and waited for her cue. Everyone at the stadium was in awe. She was not wearing the traditional, body-hugging, figure skating outfit. She wore a peacock-colored choli, paired with knee-length lehenga which had slits at the side and matching pair of shorts to allow her legs the freedom to move. She wore a delicate matching maangtika with matching bangles adorning her wrists.
“Oh my god! Where did she get that outfit from!?” shrieked Sachi, while Saharsh recorded her reaction with his camera.
Yara’s melody began; it was instrumental, Indian classical music. Yara floated around the rink with utmost charm. Her outfit radiated beautifully against the white ice. She had combined age-old ice skating jumps and swirls with Indian Bharatanatyam moves. The stadium was silent and observed Yara’s elegance in every turn she took. She was moving towards the climax of her performance; as the music paced up, so did her moves. She moved swiftly through the ice, making shallow lines in it. Towards the end, she swayed, picked up her speed, lifted one foot in the air, jumped with her entire body in midair made two full turns and landed perfectly on one foot. She came to halt and then bowed down to the crowd. The judges stood up and started to clap, and it was long before Saharsh and Sachi realized the reason for everyone’s excitement. Throughout her dance, Yara had left marks on the ice not by chance but deliberately. The twisted and deformed lines joined together to form the words “Jai Hind”.
The entire stadium was cheering and whistling and Yara earned a standing ovation. At that moment, Saharsh felt a warm session in his heart; his eyes were filled with tears. Sachi hugged her husband, unable to utter a word; but she didn’t need to, for her eyes said everything she felt at that moment. The moment when Yara received the championship trophy and gold medal was forever engraved in their hearts. The parents of the super talented teenager beamed with pride as their daughter took a victory lap around the stadium. They clapped the most and cheered the loudest for Yara; they were her first fans and will remain her biggest.
When Yara met her parents after the ceremony, she returned the note they had left under her pillow, with a reply written on the back. “I was in Class 6 when my teacher asked all of us, what we wished to achieve in life. I had replied that I want to achieve the success of seeing my parents proud of the person I turn out to be. I want to make them happy. Have I achieved this today?” Saharsh and Sachi’s answer was evident in the way they embraced their daughter.
Yara also appeared for her board exams. She did not score a whooping grade but decent enough to pursue her further education in her choice of stream. She also continued to participate in various competitions along with her colleagues. With her genuine efforts and dedication, Yara made her parents proud every single time, irrespective of the outcome.
It indeed is true that with a little trust and support, one can go a long way. However, in this journey of achieving success, one must remain grounded and remember the main aim of life.
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Here is all you need to know and do to stay alive!
· What is a lockdown?
The entire nation comes to standstill. It is the next level of curfew. Not following the instructions may result in a national catastrophe and mass murder of people and maybe equivalent to homicide.
· But what about those already infected?
Healthcare professionals and the government are taking care of them and we have seen a recovery in all the countries.
· What happens if people do not follow lockdown?
India will be the next Italy. The lockdown will get stricter and result in the deaths of your loved ones.
· But how do we survive without food?
Foodgrains, aata, milk, bakery, fruits, and vegetables will be available throughout the lockdown period.
· Good, I will purchase for the next 1 month!
NO, STOP! The government has assured that the supply is more than enough to last throughout the lockdown. If you start hoarding goods, it means there is less for others. Therefore, some shops are already out of items. We will have to wait for them to be restocked. Please allow the government enough time for restocking. It was our mistake that we started to hoard in selfishness which meant there was not enough for others.
· Ok, but I need to get Maggie, Pasta, etc. I will make a list.
No! Essential commodities only. Maggie, pasta, is not essential. Essential commodities will be pulses, food grains, wheat, rice, milk, etc.
· I need medicines!!!
Medicals are equipped to give you medicines. The same principle is applied. If you start to stock up there will not be enough for the rest. Get only essential and necessary stock.
· How do I go out if there is a lockdown?
Carry your ID with you, which has your address on it. Go only to nearby stores, do not travel across the city in search of commodities, this result is hoarding and uneven distribution. If you are stopped by Police, show them your ID, inform them you stay here and that you are out of supplies. Please do not hurdle up and go together. Each man for self. Every household has a minimum of 2 people, you can take turns to get the groceries. The best way is to order online.
· I fear getting infected if I go out during lockdown.
Maintain social distancing, cover yourself with a scarf, if there is a line outside the shop, please wait for your turn. You may have to ask others to maintain an acceptable distance. Do not touch your face or eyes. Once you are back, take shower immediately, wash your clothes with Dettol. Ensure to wash all the fruits and vegetables before storing them. For packed products, use spare clothes to wipe them clean. This should reduce the chance of infection to some extent.
· Should I get groceries daily?
No. Get enough for 1 week. The lockdown is for 3 weeks. So that means once every week you may go out. If you can order online, then you can avoid going out completely.
· The shop near me has run out of commodities.
Ask the vendor when they are expecting to restock. If you can wait, then please wait. If you are completely out of stock, check with your local corporation if they can help you out.
· I need cash.
The ATMs are functional, cash withdrawal can be from any bank ATM. It is still suggested you use google pay, Paytm, etc. For payment to avoid contact.
· Is this so serious?
Yes, it is. If you do not follow the instructions, you will be the reason why India is wiped clean of all its citizens.
· What can I do to help?
· What can I do to help?
Stay home. Keep your family home and safe. Exercise and work out to boost your immunity power. Do not go out without any emergency. Report anyone who is suspicious of having caught the virus. Support your administrative authorities by following their instructions.
· But I am (insert any religion here), this will not affect me.
False. Coronavirus will not ask you for your caste certificate and birth certificate. It will infect your irrespectively. And when it does, you will end up infecting your entire community. So, please be very careful.
· What do I do during the lockdown?
Here is a list:
- Take up a challenge
- Learn some hobby
- Learn to cook
- Spend time with family
- Play board games, cards, antakshari, etc.
- Listen to soulful music, dance like no one is watching
- Meditate & Yoga
- Watch 1 movie a day
- Read a book
- Watch that TV series you always meant to
- Limit the time you watch the news
- Work out for at least 1 hour daily
- Video call all your friends and relatives
- Get certified online for any of your hobbies
- Small business - aim to go digital, explore your opportunities
- Working from home? – consider upgrading yourself with latest articles and impact on your field of work
- Budgeting – Budget your expenses and allocated them with care
- Follow the WHO, Prime Minister & Chief Minister for an authentic, first-hand account of news and data (this is eradicating all the rumors and keep you up to date)
- Communicate with your neighbors through the window
- Connect with all the acquaintances to check their wellbeing
- Clean and organize your house
- Help your mother/wife to maintain daily cleaning
- Get to know your family better
- Build an at-home obstacle course for your kids
- Set aside ‘activity time’ for your kids and you
- Show your children informative and educational videos
- Catch up on the documentaries which you may have missed
- Line up a few short movies, nataks (plays) on YouTube
- Spend time with your musical instruments
- Enroll yourself for various online classes taking place
- Catch up on the lost sleep, get plenty of rest
- Pamper yourself with a foot massage
- Prepare facial kits at home and come out of lockdown with a healthy glow
- Check with your neighbors when you go out for grocery (maybe only 1 person can go out and get the ration for both the households, however, do not visit their home or invite anyone over to your place)
- Go through your childhood memories (pictures, albums, souvenirs)
- Declutter your space and home
- Check up on your office colleagues and managers to see how they are coping up with everything
- Give yourself some time to just ‘stand and stare’ much like the poem
- Water your plants daily!
- Make a game out of the lockdown, involve the entire family, inculcate in house daily chores and allocated stars against each, the member with maximum stars at the end of lockdown deserves a special gift from every other family member. Let the race begin!
Let the lockdown not hamper your morale. All of us are in this together and will survive together if we do not break the rules and lockdown T&Cs. If there are any further questions, you may connect with your respective municipal corporations directly.