Thursday, July 11, 2019
The Death Grief
You can read this 100 times and still not understand the meaning of these words, "No matter how old you are, losing your parents is the worst fear and feeling ever."
It really is those small things that change when everyone starts referring to someone as "who is" to "who was" How does a child's heart accept that the fingers it held on to as the answer to every fear, is not in present and will always remain in the past.
Every bike with even a remotely old man with white hair makes the head turn, "Papa!" And then it is jolted back to the sheer reality of life, "No, it cannot be" This doesn't repeat once nor twice but every damn time.
That casual question asked by the interviewer, "So what do your parents do?" I wonder if "Chilling in the heavens above" is an acceptable answer. For a kid, it will also be, "He is a journalist but...." always an "is" and never a "was". It is more difficult to continue after this "but...." what are you supposed to tell a complete stranger about the death of your parent? An accident took him away, it was cancer, or suffering from illness. Is this one sentence enough to justify the plight of the entire journey of when "being dead" commenced?
Losing a parent leaves the family without any protection. It sounds exaggerated but it does feel like the prey is left on open grounds underneath a clear sky to feast on. People everywhere, some who aren't even acquaintances, start judging every tear, every step, every word, every piece of cloth, every last right ritual that is carried. Not bothering to understand the loss felt.
Few seconds of that last breath is all it takes to permanently distort the family. Regrets? Many! Can we take correction measures? No. A few scars are permanent and never meant for healing. They will stay with you as long as you are a part of this mortal world. There will come a time when you purposefully scratch to tear them open and begin the cascade of memories which can only ever be replayed in your mind like an old black white cinema of forgotten times.
Sounds filmy? Cannot relate to this? --- Just be glad you don’t, because it is the truth, no matter how old, you are never going to okay or the same person you once were after parents death.
If you are reading this, my friend, do not take your parents for granted. Take responsibilities, be helpful around the house, live with them when you still can, hold on to the moments of joy, collect the memories, create the life they imagined, travel with them, and surprise them. Understand that all it, you must do it. Mostly though, tell them, out loud, that you love them because there will come a day when you cannot and will not be able to say it.