Thursday, January 05, 2017
Where do I begin? But will I be able to stop once I start with this? Probably not. How did we even get ourselves into this? Well, not we, I, how did I allow myself into a situation like this? I guess I must have been helpless to fall so dangerously, head over heels, in love with you. What could be worst? You didn’t. How can I complain though? The mess that I am. The thoughts that I fathom. The tantrums that I throw. The future that I build. The dreams that I see. The poems that I write. The moon I follow. The stars I count. All carry a part of you and in your life; I am nowhere to be seen.
The memories which I have created with you can never be replaced and what bothers me the most is what should have been “forever” will end abruptly one day; a day which you have willingly, openly embraced and a day I am unwillingly, secretly, scared of. The day when you would walk out of my life, without putting up a fight. Love? It will all be lost.
Who said what you sow, so shall you reap? For I don’t remember sowing seeds of loneliness in our garden but that seems to be the only tree which I shall get. I wish I could ask you to stay. That’s a lost point though as we both know you will not wait back. You are used to me being around. Used to the daily messages we share. Used to dialing my number. Used to having me in your life. Used to talking to me. Used to my presence. I am nowhere near being your love but somehow have managed to be your addiction.
Do you realize? The effect you have on me. The internal fights that go on in my mind. The battles where I cannot win nor loose. The mental images of what should be. The future that never will be. The tears that roll down without notice. The heart which craves. The brain which dares. The hands which search yours. The life where I have made you more than what you presently are.
No. You are not to be blamed. It is entirely my mistake. I built my empire without a second thought. I gave you all the dreams I had without being asked for. I loved you more, and still do, more than what I should have. But I do not know any other way to love than giving you my everything, my eternity, myself whole and sole. Anything less than that would be an insult for what I feel for you.
Your decision has already been taken. You shall leave me with nothing but memories. Memories which will be scattered all over. On the sofa where you hugged me. On the bed where you held me. At my favorite coffee shop where numerous evenings we spent. At Pizza place where in your eyes, I gazed. On the streets of my city where we walked. At my favorite road side joint where meals we shared. The movie places which came to rescue for our “us” time. The bus stop where for you I did wait. My hands which once wrapped around your arms, the fingers which fit the space between your fingers perfectly, my eyes which gazed into yours, my nose which you played with, my ears in which you would blow, my lips where kisses you did plant, my legs which intertwined with yours, and lastly my heart; how to anyone else now can it belong? How do you expect me to get away from all this? When not only city and walls of my home but my own body will haunt me forever and ever of memories you have bestowed?
No one knows the wars which I go to for no one knows my story. Amongst so many permutations and combinations, the probability of us being born at this time, this century, this close, and actually finding each other, is the rarest and rarest of all. And to see that all this is nothing but the sand I hold which slowly slips away from my hands.
What were those kisses that I was showered with? What were those hugs which even you longed for? If not love, what was it? Do I deserve any of this? Do I deserve to be broken time and again? Well. May be I do. For that will leave me forever in doom, in the magical, fantasy land of my dreams. This is wrong. Whatever we have is wrong. How can I ever commit to anyone else? When I know that I am never going to get over the bond which we share?
I certainly do not know what future holds in store for us. The “Us” which never will be for we never gave it a chance. There is a quote, “I am not a fighter. I am lover. But I did fight for what I love” However, we failed, as a team, to truly understand our terms of happiness. Mine still is buried within you. How did I let that happen? How did someone so unexpectedly become the sole reason for entire existence? Questions to which answers I will never know.
So here I am, bidding you a good bye, as I retreat to the world where I once stayed. The world which is perfect. Where you and I are together with no fear of anyone. Where I do not need to hide myself for a crime I did not commit. Where you actually are in love with me and you stay. Where you are mine and I am yours. I am not going to come back. If you ever decide on an alternate ending for this story of us, even years and eons away from today, you did still find me waiting for you to come back. For I will always strive for your love yet pray for your happiness. For in your smile, I did find mine.
With Love, Always and forever, only yours through this lifetime…