Friday, September 30, 2016
Death teaches more than life ever will. Lesson learned or rather still learning. No, you cannot just ask us to move on with life. No, you cannot ask us to forget. No, I am not able to see the good in this situation. No, time is not a good healer. No, you do not understand what we have been through and I certainly wish that you never know the feelings yourself.
My world changed this day, two years back. Changed is an understatement. It came collapsing down like a tumbling block of towers. The world, as I knew, before 30th September, 2014 and the one after. I met my father for the last time. Two years on; my questions are still unanswered, the case has not even made it to first hearing, the killers (I refuse to use any other names) roam free, still get calls asking for him, many recognize me as his daughter, many acquaintances have turned stranger, and I am more (supposedly) wiser than before.
It was sudden. His death. Painful. I have spent a few night curled up on the floor where he last slept, hoping that at least seeing me this way will make him come back. Unreasonable. Unreal. Impossible. The brain knows, the heart will never understand. Time and again, I blamed him; if you would have been here I would never have face these situations alone. I desperately spend time with his pictures asking for signs, any signs at all, to tell me if I am doing the right thing, if I am making the right choice, if he is really watching over me. It is all in vain.
As I write this the lump in my throat, the tears struggling to break out are as real as the words spilling out. I have certainly been doing things which he would have been proud of (or so I hope) getting a better job, blood donation, learning dance, digital marketing lessons, attempt (even if a poor one) at learning new language and well certainly a better (than before) cook.
Why do I write this post today? Wake up. Look around yourself. Find the people you love; might be your mother, your father, your brother, your cousins, your friends, your life partner, your children any and every damm person that you love. Hug them. Hold them for a second and tell them you love them. Trust me. There is no greater regret than this. No matter how much one claims, people are not in our life forever and who are we kidding? Neither are we. Everyone is busy with their so called routine “home-office-home-weekend-home-office-home” Even the weekends force us to make decisions; spend time with friends, spend time with family, spend some time with yourself. Oh! From where oh where do we get so much time? Each (if not more) equally important as other.
Whatever signs you are waiting for – this is it! No, it will not hurt you now or even 1 week from now but an year down the lane or more you will start regretting the decisions you waited too long to take, conversations you avoided, people you let go, things you left unsaid – they will haunt you. The truth is life will throw these huge stones at you which will alter your life forever – marking a before & after. Not necessarily a death. When that happens everything and anything that you have learned so far is life seizes to make sense. Possibility is your life might change for better or the other way around. Life does not come with instructions; you just need to figure out what is important and what is not. Do not take people for granted, nor the things which you enjoy, for one fine day they all will get taken away.
- September 30, 2016
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
She died today. Died? 'Killed' is the word. She was killed today. Who gave you the rights to do this? Society? Parents? Yourself? What did you achieve? Satisfaction?
She was extreme. In a black and white world, she lived an ultraviolet life. Many entered her life and many more left. However, what was so special of you that she allowed you to break her beyond repair? Is it sad or wrong that people think of "end of the life"? What is sad is that this world has infested so much pain in their heart that they do not see any other option.
You entered her life. You taught her to smile. You built her trust. You managed to touch her soul and beyond. She let go of all her beliefs, all her ethics; just for you. She loves you way beyond what words could ever express.
You are her best friend. You are her punching bag. You are her mate. You are her better half. You are her partner in crime. You are her critic. You are her expert adviser. You are her complaint box. You are her cuddle partner. You are her movie buddy. You are her perfect sleep. You are her hug machine. You are her home. You are her soul. You are her inspiration. You are her motivation. You are her dream.
And when you left; you took all that away from her. How can a person love someone so much? Wish I had an answer for it. She loves you unconditionally and all you looked for in her was a casual fling.
Oh! Why would you choose a girl who you knew would shatter? Why did you not let her go when she had decided to leave? Why did you comfort her with lies? Why did you tell her that you would fight the world if this would have been real love? How did this girl turn into the reason for you diverting from your path when it was her who would push you on it always? How did she destroy your life when all she ever did was only to love you? If you were so happy alone why did you ever even look at her? When you knew from the start this was wrong then why did you not just stop?
You ask her to move on? Be practical? Be mature? How do you expect that to happen when you wound her repeatedly and then ask her if she is alright? How do you justify your actions when you have not been true to her, true to your family, and above all true to yourself? How do you even expect her to forget everything when she spent year building on your words? When every turn on road will remind her of you? When every corner of her own house will have your memories buried in them? When her phone is full of pictures or the one’s which she dedicated to you? When all the songs in her cell take her back to you? When you are the reason why she is the way she is today? Do you even in your wildest dreams believe that this is possible?
All of this; for what dear? For who? For society; who just enjoys the show whilst feasting on others tragedy. For parents; who would only wish for your happiness? For self; who claimed to be in love with her? For cast, religion; when we claim to be equal?
Leave it to God. Leave it to destiny. Leave it to faith. Really? Yes. It was God, it was destiny, and it was faith which ensured that our paths crossed. There work was done. What happens next is completely in our hands. While she decided to stick with you and stand up for you, you decided to give up and run away.
3 years down the line you will meet other girls and you will still search for her in each one of them. 5 years down you will wish that you wouldn't have given up. 10 years down the line you will be left with regrets. 15 years down the line you will be teaching your children to treat every person irrespective of cast or religion equally. 30 years from there you will have no society by your side and as much as it sounds impossible neither will parents be there, nor the friends and family will only seek what's beneficial for them. And for this future you will sacrifice what only very few manage to find.
Life is not a game. You actions have consequences. Your decisions influence more than one life. Never ever play with a heart. In your games of "casual relationships" someone might truly start loving you. Why would you let someone fall for you when you do not intend to catch them? Do you realize; if they fall they might never be able to get back up? Do you know that, due to such actions you will forever distort the meaning of love for someone and also make them never trust anyone ever again? No, it's not wrong to love someone with all that you have, giving it your 100%. What's wrong is not standing up for your own self and your choices when you know in your heart that they are right. Life doesn't give you second chances and there are no retakes. Its action and what's done is done. Never let yourself be the reason for anyone’s sadness. Hold your bunch full of people close. Never give up on love. Believe in the quote, “Do not fall in love, rise with it.” Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are alone. Some relations are worth the fight and struggle but only when you have your other half supporting you thru thick and thin.
However, thru all these lessons, memories, sayings, assumptions, and quotes; the only fact which remains is she did not die; she was killed today.
- September 27, 2016
Thursday, September 15, 2016
It's your birthday today! Midnight celebrations... without you. Well, I certainly did not have any gifts to hide this year. Nothing will fall down when the fan is switched on at midnight. There isn't anything under the keyboard nor beneath the mouse. The laptop bag does not hide any letters. The white board is blank. House (doesn't feel like home anymore) is not filled with numerous bouquets (that I claimed were waste of flowers) You will not receive a new pen this year (your loss!) Nor a notebook (but you will not tear any pages off mine) Above all I doubt my wishes will even reach you. Oh! I miss you hell loads. I am sure heaven doesn't host surprise parties as good as I did, but please do still enjoy whatever they manage (forgive them if they get a cake 😉 they would not know your likes). Smile old man, it's 60 this year! And I was the one to get least of those years, wish I was not the youngest in family. Oh well! Mini write up for a writer from Mini you (yes, I am ditto you) seemed to be approriate gift. Three cheers to you Daddy!!! A very Happy Birthday Papa Bear!! 😘
- September 15, 2016