Insect V/s I

Insect V/s I : When I went live on chat giving every detail of this fierce battle. 

Life Lesson . . .

Death teaches more than life ever will. Lesson learned or rather still learning. No, you cannot just ask us to move on with life. No, you cannot ask us to forget. No, I am not able to see the good in this situation. No, time is not a good healer. No, you do not understand what we have been through and I certainly wish that you never know the feelings yourself.

My world changed this day, two years back. Changed is an understatement. It came collapsing down like a tumbling block of towers. The world, as I knew, before 30^th September, 2014 and the one after. I met my father for the last time. Two years on; my questions are still unanswered, the case has not even made it to first hearing, the killers (I refuse to use any other names) roam free, still get calls asking for him, many recognize me as his daughter, many acquaintances have turned stranger, and I am more (supposedly) wiser than before.

It was sudden. His death. Painful. I have spent a few night curled up on the floor where he last slept, hoping that at least seeing me this way will make him come back. Unreasonable. Unreal. Impossible. The brain knows, the heart will never understand. Time and again, I blamed him; if you would have been here I would never have face these situations alone. I desperately spend time with his pictures asking for signs, any signs at all, to tell me if I am doing the right thing, if I am making the right choice, if he is really watching over me. It is all in vain.

As I write this the lump in my throat, the tears struggling to break out are as real as the words spilling out. I have certainly been doing things which he would have been proud of (or so I hope) getting a better job, blood donation, learning dance, digital marketing lessons, attempt (even if a poor one) at learning new language and well certainly a better (than before) cook.

Why do I write this post today? Wake up. Look around yourself. Find the people you love; might be your mother, your father, your brother, your cousins, your friends, your life partner, your children any and every damm person that you love. Hug them. Hold them for a second and tell them you love them. Trust me. There is no greater regret than this. No matter how much one claims, people are not in our life forever and who are we kidding? Neither are we. Everyone is busy with their so called routine “home-office-home-weekend-home-office-home” Even the weekends force us to make decisions; spend time with friends, spend time with family, spend some time with yourself. Oh! From where oh where do we get so much time? Each (if not more) equally important as other.

Whatever signs you are waiting for – this is it! No, it will not hurt you now or even 1 week from now but an year down the lane or more you will start regretting the decisions you waited too long to take, conversations you avoided, people you let go, things you left unsaid – they will haunt you. The truth is life will throw these huge stones at you which will alter your life forever – marking a before & after. Not necessarily a death. When that happens everything and anything that you have learned so far is life seizes to make sense. Possibility is your life might change for better or the other way around. Life does not come with instructions; you just need to figure out what is important and what is not. Do not take people for granted, nor the things which you enjoy, for one fine day they all will get taken away.

Utilize this time that you have in hand. Choose wisely. Be brave. Do not be afraid. Take your chances. Face your challenges. Make your own choices. Smile more. Learn. Travel. Be with people that matter. Let go of things which bring you down. Pick yourself up. Get back your positive sunshine. Do not wait too long to make your decisions. Invest in better future but live life in present. Let the stress melt away. No, you are not too old to have a bucket list – go create one and then strike off the tasks or better yet, just live your life spontaneously. Your inner self knows what you want, follow your instincts, and let your brain rest for a while. Do what makes you happy and makes you glow with warmth and happiness. 

Gone

She died today. Died? 'Killed' is the word. She was killed today. Who gave you the rights to do this? Society? Parents? Yourself? What did you achieve? Satisfaction?

She was extreme. In a black and white world, she lived an ultraviolet life. Many entered her life and many more left. However, what was so special of you that she allowed you to break her beyond repair? Is it sad or wrong that people think of "end of the life"? What is sad is that this world has infested so much pain in their heart that they do not see any other option.

You entered her life. You taught her to smile. You built her trust. You managed to touch her soul and beyond. She let go of all her beliefs, all her ethics; just for you. She loves you way beyond what words could ever express.

You are her best friend. You are her punching bag. You are her mate. You are her better half. You are her partner in crime. You are her critic. You are her expert adviser. You are her complaint box. You are her cuddle partner. You are her movie buddy. You are her perfect sleep. You are her hug machine. You are her home. You are her soul. You are her inspiration. You are her motivation. You are her dream.

And when you left; you took all that away from her. How can a person love someone so much? Wish I had an answer for it. She loves you unconditionally and all you looked for in her was a casual fling.

Oh! Why would you choose a girl who you knew would shatter? Why did you not let her go when she had decided to leave? Why did you comfort her with lies? Why did you tell her that you would fight the world if this would have been real love? How did this girl turn into the reason for you diverting from your path when it was her who would push you on it always? How did she destroy your life when all she ever did was only to love you? If you were so happy alone why did you ever even look at her? When you knew from the start this was wrong then why did you not just stop?

You ask her to move on? Be practical? Be mature? How do you expect that to happen when you wound her repeatedly and then ask her if she is alright? How do you justify your actions when you have not been true to her, true to your family, and above all true to yourself? How do you even expect her to forget everything when she spent year building on your words? When every turn on road will remind her of you? When every corner of her own house will have your memories buried in them? When her phone is full of pictures or the one’s which she dedicated to you? When all the songs in her cell take her back to you? When you are the reason why she is the way she is today? Do you even in your wildest dreams believe that this is possible?

All of this; for what dear? For who? For society; who just enjoys the show whilst feasting on others tragedy. For parents; who would only wish for your happiness? For self; who claimed to be in love with her? For cast, religion; when we claim to be equal?

Leave it to God. Leave it to destiny. Leave it to faith. Really? Yes. It was God, it was destiny, and it was faith which ensured that our paths crossed. There work was done. What happens next is completely in our hands. While she decided to stick with you and stand up for you, you decided to give up and run away.

3 years down the line you will meet other girls and you will still search for her in each one of them. 5 years down you will wish that you wouldn't have given up. 10 years down the line you will be left with regrets. 15 years down the line you will be teaching your children to treat every person irrespective of cast or religion equally. 30 years from there you will have no society by your side and as much as it sounds impossible neither will parents be there, nor the friends and family will only seek what's beneficial for them. And for this future you will sacrifice what only very few manage to find.

Life is not a game. You actions have consequences. Your decisions influence more than one life. Never ever play with a heart. In your games of "casual relationships" someone might truly start loving you. Why would you let someone fall for you when you do not intend to catch them? Do you realize; if they fall they might never be able to get back up? Do you know that, due to such actions you will forever distort the meaning of love for someone and also make them never trust anyone ever again?  No, it's not wrong to love someone with all that you have, giving it your 100%. What's wrong is not standing up for your own self and your choices when you know in your heart that they are right. Life doesn't give you second chances and there are no retakes. Its action and what's done is done. Never let yourself be the reason for anyone’s sadness. Hold your bunch full of people close. Never give up on love. Believe in the quote, “Do not fall in love, rise with it.” Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are alone. Some relations are worth the fight and struggle but only when you have your other half supporting you thru thick and thin.

However, thru all these lessons, memories, sayings, assumptions, and quotes; the only fact which remains is she did not die; she was killed today.

Happy Birthday!

It's your birthday today! Midnight celebrations... without you. Well, I certainly did not have any gifts to hide this year. Nothing will fall down when the fan is switched on at midnight. There isn't anything under the keyboard nor beneath the mouse. The laptop bag does not hide any letters. The white board is blank. House  (doesn't feel like home anymore) is not filled with numerous bouquets (that I claimed were waste of flowers) You will not receive a new pen this year (your loss!) Nor a notebook  (but you will not tear any pages off mine) Above all I doubt my wishes will even reach you. Oh! I miss you hell loads. I am sure heaven doesn't host surprise parties as good as I did, but please do still enjoy whatever they manage (forgive them if they get a cake 😉 they would not know your likes). Smile old man, it's 60 this year! And I was the one to get least of those years, wish I was not the youngest in family. Oh well! Mini write up for a writer from Mini you (yes, I am ditto you) seemed to be approriate gift. Three cheers to you Daddy!!! A very Happy Birthday Papa Bear!! 😘

Gateway to Universe.

You need this kind of girl in your life;

Who will accept you after you have already got thru the struggle.

Who will be of same cast, same religion as yours.

Who will be chosen by your family.

Who will love you as per her convenience. 

Who will demand time when you have none to spare.

Who will be busy when you make all time in the world.

Who will not understand your schedules.

Who will demand you do things a certain way.

Who will fight with you for material things.

Who will need your money to run an uncalled for lifestyle. 

Who will ignore your needs and demand her wants to be completed.

Who will treat you as nothing more than a show off. 

Who will be nothing more than your remote.

Who will throw surprises for you to please the societies.

Who will demand obnoxious gifts on her birthday.

Who will choose you because you are well settled, you have your own house, job and a bank balance to fall back on. 

And you know what that is exactly what you deserve because when you had met a girl

Who motivated you.

Who lifted you above your dreams. 

Who stayed with you during the dark days.

Who loved you fiercely with everything that she got. 

Who thought only about you when you were thinking of other girls.

Who cared for you like her family.

Who was self sufficient and did not demand money.

Who needed your attention, time and just a little reassurance that you would be with her.

Who gave up on her own ethics to ensure that you would not fall short. 

Who makes you her world.

Who holds your hand thru a world tour or even thru staying in street. 

Who would understand you in and out. 

You let her go. She fought for what she wanted. She echoed her concerns. You ignored. You were indifferent. Your indifference killed her. She will never be the same again. She will never look at any other person the way she see's you. Your 'least bothered' attitude to the battle which she kept on trying time and again to win ensured that she finally gave up. You showed her that love can not be forced and certainly not taught. She found her soul mate, her best friend, her buddy, her anger, her pacifier, her home, her shelter, her want, her need, her universe in you. And all you could see in her was a person who you were too used to being around. No, do not term it Love. No, do not term it Friendship. For both will be an insult to her feelings for you. You hid her from the world. Kept her your secret. While other girls approached you. Rather than telling them you were with her, you did the exact opposite. You told her that so many girls were trying to woo you. Well, tell you what. If you enjoy the attention being showered by other girls, that is were you should be - with them. Not with the girl who goes out of her way, even without you knowing, to stay loyal to you when you don't even admit of being in a relationship with her to anyone. She calls your arms her home, she feels protected in your arms and your kisses are her lifelines - magic as she knows them and when asked what they mean to you, you say they hardly made any difference. 

Look into her eyes. What do you see? The love she holds for you? The betrayed feeling of seeing you entertain other girls? The pain of you being indifferent to her love? The hopes leaving her heart? or her destroyed soul? 

The eyes that once were a gateway to universe are now just black holes. No, you do not need a girl so thunderous; you need one who just drizzles a little!

Race!!

Life is a race! I am sure we all remember this from ’3 Idiots’. Although, as per me, life is a race… Not against time… Not against each other… But simply to catch a train from any of Mumbai & surrounding suburbs stations during peak hours, at times throughout the day.

Ever since traveling has become part of my daily routine there is no walking peacefully, it is literally a demand from entire Universe to run & that is the only way I can manage to get home on time. There is no stopping, standing, staring, stooping on a platform but simply waiting and thinking of a way to make sure you get into the train before it starts. The crowd on platform multiplies (if possible, more no. Of times than the world population) with every passing second and the probability to get into the tiny compartment of train reduces while the time taken to reach the desired destination expands. If you need to teach anyone importance of time, platforms are the place. The frustrated crowd when a train is cancelled, people running to catch the train as it starts moving from the platform, people missing train by matter of few seconds; No, they do not do this on purpose. Yes, they do fear for life. Yes, they do have family & friends waiting for them back home. Yet, everyone is in hurry to be first in the race of catching a train. Missing a train would mean infinite number of minutes of wait till the next train comes, catching the next train which is not even suppose to stop at your destination so you keep changing trains, catching a slow train rather than fast which takes forever to reach. All these are apparently not an excuse for to reach late to work next morning. The employer will not understand the hectic experience of emotional ‘atyachaar’ at the wheels of local train.

Even after managing (I doubt even God knows how) to actually get into the desired train, the fight of survival does not end. The compartments are so crowded as if the entire crowd of a stadium has been packed into one. It is very difficult to distinguish one’s own body part and belongings from that of others. You will automatically adjust yourself to whatever little place you manage to secure for standing. Seating in trains is the most precious thing during peak hours, if you actually manage to get a seat you would feel on top of the world, an achiever. As soon as you get a seat, you will feel many envious eyes stare at you, many other coming over to ask where you get down so that they can grab your seat. Many a times I have come to realize the miracles of train seats, no matter if you are fat, thin, tall, short, with luggage, without baggage, there is always four people on any given seat.

God forbid you have to get down at the stations in between the final destination of train. 30 Seconds of halt at all the stations for trains where as the entire crowd in compartment holds their breath, thinking of what is to come now. People getting down the train are at mercy of those who are about to get into the train, even before the train comes to complete halt, everyone is trying to get down and others trying to board at the same time, none of them having patience to wait and blaming each other for inconvenience caused. The proportion of people getting down from a train to people boarding the train is 1:2, and still there is place in already overcrowded compartment to cramp in the one passenger who runs and catches the train holding on to one single rod for dear life.

All the above described is during normal circumstances which tend to worsen when it rains, when the trains are late, when even a single work in progress in going on. A salute to everyone experiencing the Mumbai Style train traveling. Although the messed up situation, Mumbai and Mumbaikars will not function without the beloved local trains, all of us are thankful they are still running and functional!

She is everything

No. She is not the one for you. Never will be.

She is sun. She will burn you at times. But you are afraid of bruises.

She is river. She will shape you like the rocks. But you are afraid of change.

She is tree. She will shade you from the storms. But you are afraid to dance in storms.

She is moon. She will shine the light when you need the most. But you are afraid of dark.

She is star. She will twinkle just for you. But you are afraid of light.

She is wind. She will take you in directions unknown. But you are afraid of unknown.

She is thunder. She will light up your world. But you are afraid of noise.

She is rain. She will pour down love. But you are afraid of even a little drizzle.

She is glass. She will show your reflection. But you are afraid of cuts.

She is rainbow. She will make everything colorful. But you are afraid of following the roads.

She is spring. She makes the flowers blossom. But you are afraid of climate changes.

She is winter. She will shield your from heat. But you are afraid of cold.

She is summer. She adds brightness to everything she touches. But you are afraid of tans.

She is XL Coffee. She is strong. But you are afraid as you need your decaf.

She is ocean. She is vast and abundant. But you are afraid to leave your shores.

She is hill. She wants to reach the top. But you are afraid to dream.

She is mountain. She stands tall. But you are afraid of heights.

She is snowflake. She is pure. But you are afraid of her patterns.

She is galaxy. She is millions, billions and trillions joint together. But you are afraid of crowd.

She is sky. She is clear. But you are afraid of clarity.

She is novel. She will transport you to a different world. But you are afraid to read.

She is door. She opens the adventures within. But you are afraid to open.

She is wreck. She makes it look like art. But you are afraid to paint.

She is query. She will make you question everything. But you are afraid of answers.

She is painting. She is the finest. But you are afraid of masterpiece.

She is fierce. She will take you to the end of earth. But you are afraid to travel.

She is solitude. She will show you independence. But you are afraid outside comfort zone.

She is motivation. She will be nothing less than inspiration. But you are afraid to pursue.

She is rhythm. She will sing songs of unknown. But you are afraid of the lyrics.

She is time. She will not be stopped. But you are afraid of speed.

She is mud. She is mixture of earth and water. But you are afraid of getting dirty.

She is risk. She will expose you to everything not familiar. But you are afraid of different.

She is hue. She will bring out the intense character. But you are afraid of intensity.

She is universe. She is everything. But you are afraid of everything.

No. She is not the one for you and never will be!

Beautiful Poem

Because you are the most beautiful poem I have ever seen. No, you do not need validations from society. No, you do not need assurances from anyone. No, you are not perfect. No, you do not have a rhyming theme but the most heart touching poem doesn’t. No, you do not need to search for a soul mate. No, you do not need a prince charming to rescue you. Trust me, you will know baby girl, you will know when it is real. Do not let ungrateful boys ruin you and spoil your mood over them. For one day you are going to meet the man of your dreams and everything is eventually going to be alright. How do I know you ask? Because I just do. You will feel it in your heart, in your mind; your intuitions will speak thousand words. The world will not be the same as you knew earlier. No, he will not come silently and bring stabilization in your life but he will come and question the existence of everything and you will never feel anything has been more perfect ever. He will encourage you, be passionate, adventurous, and more than anything else he will be calm you find in all the chaos. No, don’t you dare go out looking for him and meeting jerks who don’t give a damn about you. What’s meant to be will be. Trust the universe to ensure that your paths will cross when the time is right and when that does happen do not shy away from love baby. Give him your 100%, love him whole heart. Treat him like a king because you know that he deserves nothing less than that and watch how he makes you the queen. Together you will build an empire which will keep all the haters and negativity at bay. Life will be at its best.

Till then and even later enjoy the craziness that you carry within. Let the wildness run free. Let your dreams fly high. Let the light through your broken pieces for that is the only way to heal. Let the fears take backstage for once. Laugh whenever you can. Smile at the memories created. Forget the past and move on. Move on to a better future. Move on and travel towards the light of hope you see. You are masterpiece, still in making; do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Live Life Queen Size!

Brave Heart!

She makes round rotis, sanskari; She doesn’t. What has her mother taught her?

She cries, Weak; She rebels, Attitude problem.

She speaks her mind, Outcast; She keeps her mouth shut, she doesn’t have her own views.

She wears a saree, she is too traditional; She wears a dress, she is too modern.

She works, she is self centric; She doesn’t, she doesn’t know how to support her family.

She is well educated; will not get good husband. She is not; lacks the will to learn.

She cooks delicious food, she is lovable. She doesn’t, what did she do while growing up?

She is 25, Single; She is 26, Unmarried.

“Yaar, woh toh ladki hai, kya kar legi?” – This is how Society perceives women.

Why limit this to the women though? Do guys have it easy?

He makes rotis, Girlish; He doesn’t, where is equality?

He cries, Weak; He rebels, attitude problem.

He wears tradition, people laugh (aaj koi function hai); He suits up, still laugh (kyun oversmart ban raha hai)

He works hard, work-o-holic; he sticks to 9 to 5 job, lacks ambitions.

He wants to pursue further education, when will you earn? He doesn’t, how will you earn?

He helps his wife in household chores, girlish. He doesn’t, has his mother not raised him well?

He is 25, He is learning to settle down. He is 26, Why have you not figured out your life yet?

“Yaar, woh toh ladka hai, woh nahi karega toh kaun karega?” – This is how Society perceives Men

Who are these people we call “Society” It is collectively made by us. Stop giving people hard times. Everyone you see and every person you know will have some shortcomings, will not be perfect. Empathize; put yourself in their shoes before you judge. Look at yourself before you comment. You have a life difficult enough without taking add on headaches trying to figure out others life.

She is 26 yet not married; let her be!

He is working hard; he has his ambitions & family needs to be met; let him figure it out!

Life is simple, do not complicate it.

Live your life. Dream. Dance. Play. Work hard. Be ambitious. Achieve goals. Travel. Laugh. Smile. Let go of your demons. Look forward to your future.

Be the brave heart that you are meant to be!

Promise Me

I have lived my life collecting quotes, building my fairy tales, swearing by them and then dreaming them. Every love quote I read, every cute couple picture I see, every dream I have, every time I breathe; it is all you. My life revolves and rotates around you.

Tell me you will not think about me. You will not revisit the moments we spent together. You will not secretly wait for those goodnight texts and wake up hoping that at the least this morning begins with my message as it used to earlier.

Tell me you will not think about me when you see a couple holding hands while crossing the roads, because you know I would never let go of your hand if we were crossing. Tell me you will not think about me when you see a girl too scared to cross, or when you teach your own daughter to walk.

Tell me you will not visit our favorite Café and place an order of Oreo Milkshake. Let the Oreo’s mean nothing more than biscuits to you henceforth. You will forget my untimely cravings for them and for that matter for Pista Kulfi as well.

Tell me that you can look at Twins without thinking about our jokes or remembering the names we came up with. You will not be reminded of me or the twins when you feel like eating Vanilla ice cream. They are mine and I take them with me. 

Tell me you will not be afraid to love again. You will get the girl you deserve, far much better than me. Someone who will give you the best of world. Someone who will mean as much to you as you mean to me.

Tell me you will not compare “her” with me. She will love you in her own way. She will give you the happiness which you would have never ever imagined. Don’t you dare then compare her cuddles to mine and for no one else will fit into your arms as perfectly as me. Give her time; give her all that you can. Stand by her. Never let her be alone.  

Tell me pillow fights will mean nothing to you and neither will play flights. For no one will manage to wiggle out your arms like me, nor will anyone tickle you the way I did.

Tell me your coffee will not remind you of the color of my eye. I remember you staring into them and saying “I can see myself in your eyes” Now use a mirror instead. See the world they way you want to see it and forget that once I held your hand to show you the future as I had then seen.

Tell me you will look at the moon and stars and it will mean nothing more than a mere night sky. You will not remember how I used to follow the moon around nor how I used to ask you to see the faces it turned into, nor will you remember my frown when I could not spot it. Forget the crazy squeaky noise which I made when I could actually manage to spot some stars.

Tell me the sun will not torture you daily for you know how I react. You will forget how I did hide from the rays or how anything and everything became my shade. Forget how I would ask you to block the sun out and how you did it, at times, without even asking for it.

Tell me your hands would no longer automatically block my “so-called” accidents on speed bumps or while walking besides me. You will not long for that one moment when you did just get to feel the touch of me again.

Tell me you will forget the way I kissed, the way I hugged, the way I smelled. You will not go looking for them for they won’t be the same even in the dreams, neither will you crave for my hand moving across your face.

Tell me you will find motivation elsewhere. You will only remember how proud I have been of all your little achievements and that I would never ever give up on you. You will find motivation in all the things I have said. You will only see the positive of it because I say.

Tell me you will not miss our silly fights for no one will be a bigger “nautanki” than me. Those stupid fights on why you spoke to her or why have you not replied or where are you and when will you meet me, will no longer make any sense.

Tell me books and reading will not be associated with me and neither should be writing. You will not stalk me on Facebook nor visit my blogs to know my whereabouts or whatgoingons. Those Instagram tags and link shares will no longer hold any relevance.

Tell me window seats are yours to claim now for no one will ask you to move from there, nor will you have to see me pretend to be angry even though both of us knew you would eventually move and give me that place. You will not have to make any more sacrifices over there.

Tell me the joint were we had wada pav and nimbu pani will never be visited by you and you would not be tempted to walk down the roads which we always took. You would not dread going to movies and not having me in the seat beside you.

Tell me train travels will remain the same, for you will not remember my head on your shoulder always. You will forget how peacefully I slept and how the insomnia seems to melt away to take me off to a world which never existed.

Tell me our pictures will be deleted. Chat messages too. You will destroy every ounce of evidence that would otherwise connected me to you.

Tell me my trademarked words are safe with you and no one would ever know what they meant and hey! you still do not get the royalties to use them. 

Tell me there will not be tears in your eyes as you read this even though I write this teary eyed. 

Tell me you will willingly, happily see me off. Wave a good bye.  

I love you. Still do. More than words put together. But, promise me I will be no one to you not even a memory.